if now in considering the course of history we detach the ideas of the ruling class from the ruling class itself and attribute to them an independent existence, if we confine ourselves to saying that these or those ideas were dominant at a given time, without bothering ourselves about the conditions of production and the producers of these ideas, if we thus ignore the individuals and world conditions which are the source of the ideas, we can say, for instance, that during the time that the aristocracy was dominant, the concepts honour, loyalty, etc. were dominant, during the dominance of the bourgeoisie the concepts freedom, equality, etc. the ruling class itself on the whole imagines this to be so. this conception of history, which is common to all historians, particularly since the eighteenth century, will necessarily come up against the phenomenon that increasingly abstract ideas hold sway, i.e. ideas which increasingly take on the form of universality. for each new class which puts itself in the place of one ruling before it, is compelled, merely in order to carry through its aim, to represent its interest as the common interest of all the members of society, that is, expressed in ideal form: it has to give its ideas the form of universality, and represent them as the only rational, universally valid ones. the class making a revolution appears from the very start, if only because it is opposed to a class, not as a class but as the representative of the whole of society; it appears as the whole mass of society confronting the one ruling class —- karl marx & friedrich engels, the german ideology (1846)

Time drives me crazy. The way it continues to pass me by while I stand still and watch. While I sleep the day away. Is there a way to stay awake at all times without needing rest ? I think it's a mind thing. Everything is. Sickness is. My whole life is. Is this all one big dream that someone else is dreaming? Are we all living through someone else's dreams in their heads in another world, another existence? What brought us here? Do I have a purpose ? Does EVERYONE have a purpose?

walking to the beach and smelling the salty water, now that. that is one of the best feelings a human can ever experience. dancing in public and making a fool of yourself. laughing until tears stream down your face so hard and so fast. Taking a photograph, and for once, being proud of it. Even better, looking back at that photograph days, months, or years later and just being taken over by enormous amounts of emotion. a photograph that causes you to smile or breathe deep because all you wish is for one more second to go back to that single moment. holding someone close to you, both of your eyes closed, and just. breathe. breathe. breathe. with hands on each other and heartbeats exploding from your chests. Feeling important. Watching the sunset. Being excited for the days to come your way. Listening to a song that makes you want to cry. Being told you aren’t good enough, and then proving every single one of them wrong. The “golden time” during the day when everything has a cast of pink and yellows around it and the people you're with suddenly have light halos surrounding their head. the time when the sun gently catches every strand of hair, every glistening drop of water in puddles, and every dirty window is suddenly gleaming. Holding hands. Needing to cry because you’re just so happy. Finding something that helps you block out the pain. like running, running so hard and so fast that you feel as if you’re ready to break into a million pieces. Finally telling them you’re done with their lies. Finally Stopping yourself from lying, after all this time. Starting over. Writing. writing until your brain aches. Getting lost in a book, and for a few hours, forgetting who you are. Fields of tall grasses that children can get lost in. Corn fields, pumpkins, and crisp october air. Having brothers and sisters. Chasing the ice cream truck. Being in love. laying in the cold ocean and letting it carry you away. Letting your envy of others only make you stronger. Watching clouds roll by. Space. Free space. Open space. Your space. Their space. Outer space. Summer nights when all you want is to sleep with the widows open and the sound of cars passing by on late night drives. Being accepted. Being rejected. Being told your beautiful. Calling someone else Beautiful. A week without cellphones, computers, and televisions. Old televisions. Old films. Old cameras. Ancient letters. Ancient times. Time itself. This is all I've ever wanted.

On the train today, I unexpectedly passed out. Today was a good day, but internally my mind felt in a bad place. A lot of peculiar things have been occurring around me, only now am I beginning to scrutinize these events. There is a steel box which encases my heart, I don't know why this organ is barricaded; I fear this box is reluctant to open. Meditation keeps me alive sometimes.

This evening my wheels went for a roll and my mind for a stroll. Today was a lazy sun-rise to sun-set, I find I am most productive when the moon is out.

The nature of time makes me feel uneasy and vulnerable. All moments cascade uncontrollably through your fingers. 'Now' is an intangible event, everything we are and ever have been; is the past.

Tell me about your dreams? This morning I awoke feeling uneasy. Last night I dreamt I was stranded in a purple desert, the terrain was made from these small pebbles. There was a heroin addict levitating in the sky while he rode his bicycle around in circles, yelping as these invisible dogs nipped at his ankles. Loose leaflets of paper were flying around, when I clutched at them I saw someone had scrawled my own memories down with wet ink. It was extremely vivid and slightly surreal. I'm sure Salvador Dali would be impressed by my subconscious! My existence has been in a diluted state of disorder, but I have developed a good coping mechanism. My friend André showed me a genius technique a long time ago; basically what you do is this: write 'I'M OK' on your body somewhere. When you feel that rush of uneasiness, you quietly peek at the message inscribed upon your body. It works for us both, perhaps you should try it. I've never been so occupied in my entire life: mentally, physically and emotionally. Everyday is a rush of energy and effort, I enjoy this because my exertion is always rewarded by golden results.

“The article describes how cannabinoids, the active components of marijuana, inhibit tumor growth in laboratory animals and also kill cancer cells. Then it finishes off by saying that the US government has known for more than 35 years and that the media which would normally go crazy about a cancer cure story like this, doesn’t at all and in fact seems to be burying the story rather than promote it in any way.”

There is too much to be said. I feel like I have just experienced ten years of life, it's difficult to breath. My mind has consumed a million tic-tac mints, everything is so refreshed. I cannot differentiate whether I am living in a positive or negative realm? Perhaps neither, maybe it's called being alive. I am not sure what to do with myself, sleep is probably the wisest of plans. I haven't had a decent sleep in almost 3 weeks. Oh my goodness, oh my oh my what an experience this trip was.

• What he gave me was a reason. Not an excuse. Because there’s sex, making love and fucking, you know. And then there’s him. I've never known such a love before. And as we touch, I can never tell if he is touching me or I am touching him. That's what it feels like whenhe touch me. Like millions of tiny universes being born and then dying in the space between his fingers and my skin. Sometimes I forget. Some people say that love doesn't last forever. But I've met other people. And while over the decades their bodies have forgotten the ideas of who they were, their heads remember their hearts. Maybe they didn't love forever, just a lifetime. But they still make liars of those people. You and I can make liars of them too. •